Things Not Going Your Way? Blame It On Horoscope!

Note: This is a satire article and none of the facts are implied as accurate.

There comes a time in your life when you are forced to reflect on your mistakes. You might have totally gone off the rails while arguing with your friends, or you were an hour late to the office and your boss became that mean mother-in-law you cannot run away from. But did you know that there is a way you can avoid looking at that person in the mirror and instead blame it on something else? We are talking about astrology, of course! Why take responsibility for all the crap you do when you can blame it on the celestial bodies? The best thing is that they are too far away to listen to you wailing about your life’s tragedies, and you can curse them as much as you want to. They won’t smack your head for it. Given below is the list of convincing reasons for how you can be an absolute jerk and still blame it on the wrong rotation of stars and planets.

1. Getting Late For an Event

Did you once more get scolded by the boss when you were late to the office? Perhaps your close friend’s marriage was only at a fifteen minutes-drive but your clothes vanished at the right moment, or your pet pukes or you were being just a lazy bum and overslept. The stars are definitely not aligned whenever you are getting late to the event. I mean seriously, have you checked the skies lately? Whenever Mercury goes retrograde or something astrological happens, it messes up with our will to stay punctual and focused. That is definitely how it goes and it is not related to lack of motivation at all!

2. Not Getting Things Done

Nope! This is not because you were a master procrastinator or you are just lazy and unmotivated. This is all because of your natal chart. Try looking it up because this way, you will spend a lot of time from now on things that seem very important. If you are Aries or Virgo, then you are most definitely doomed to a life of laziness and failure to meet your career goals. Do 5 minutes of the task in 30 minutes from now on. I mean, why even try when the stars have clarified that whatever you are going to do will blow up in your sad face? Enjoy a life of not trying.

3. Getting Jealous If Someone is More Successful

When you are sabotaging someone or you are outright jealous of their newfound success, it is totally not your insecurities playing their usual games. It is because the stars willed it so. You are not a bad person at all. You are just a Capricorn and that means whenever do something better than yourself, you will definitely become the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz. Or maybe your natal chart can explain it better.

4. Being Bad With Money

Being bad with money is totally not the symbol of a scarcity mindset. Now, with the astrological chart at your disposal, you can perfectly pinpoint the exact reason you cannot control being extravagant. It is definitely not the reason everyone keeps yelling at you to not buy the extra expensive sandals when you don’t need them. Stars are the reason you spend money like crap. Instead of going to a therapy session, blame the rings around Saturn or on how the moon is waning or waxing.

5. Anger Issues

Hey! You might be an Aries or the Mercury is in retrograde. This means you can now blame everything on the rotation of planets instead of owning your mistakes. So that time when you had a mental breakdown when your car broke down, or when you yelled like a crazy person when you had to do some of the house chores, it was totally Mercury, and not your salty behavior at all. All these anger issues could be resolved if you take a moment or two to reflect. But who got time for that when you have astrology to blame?