The Art of Not Talking About It

The Art of Not Talking About It: Navigating Silence in Pakistani Society

In Pakistan, what is left unsaid often carries more weight than what is spoken aloud. “The art of not talking about it” is a sophisticated, often necessary, social skill. It refers to the conscious avoidance of topics deemed too sensitive, controversial, shameful, or disruptive to the perceived social harmony. This isn’t merely silence; it’s an active, performative dance around the obvious.

The “It”: What Isn’t Talked About?

The subjects of this silence are numerous and layered:

1. Sex and Sexuality: This is the paramount taboo. Any open discussion of sex, sexual health, pleasure, or non-heteronormative identities is strictly off-limits in polite company and often within families. Desire is private, and its public acknowledgment is considered deeply shameful (sharam).

2. Mental Health: Psychological struggles are heavily stigmatized. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions are often dismissed as a lack of faith, personal weakness, or “just stress.” Seeking therapy is often a secretive endeavor, feared to bring family dishonor.

3. Religious Doubt: Questioning core Islamic beliefs or engaging in theological debate outside accepted norms is extremely dangerous. Blasphemy laws cast a long shadow, making open inquiry or skepticism perilous.

4. Family Dysfunction: Issues like domestic violence, substance abuse within the family, marital strife, or conflicts over inheritance are concealed behind a facade of unity (ikka or unity, is a prized family value). The reputation of the family (izzat) is paramount and must be protected at all costs.

5. Political and Social Injustice: While people do talk politics vigorously, there are often red lines. Directly naming powerful institutions (like the military or judiciary) in criticism, or delving deeply into ethnic conflicts (e.g., Balochistan issues), is done cautiously, often in hushed tones and private settings.

6. Financial Status: Discussing personal wealth, debt, or financial struggles is considered vulgar and intrusive. It violates the carefully maintained public image a family works to project.

The “How”: The Mechanics of Avoidance

The art is practiced through specific techniques:

• Euphemism and Metaphor: Difficult topics are cloaked in indirect language. Instead of “depression,” one might say “the heart is heavy” (dil bojhail hai). A romantic relationship might be referred to as “friendship” or “family friends.”

• Changing the Subject: A skill mastered by all. An uncomfortable question is met with a non-answer and a swift pivot to a safer topic, like the weather, food, or a generic pleasantry.

• The Performative Silence: An awkward pause, averted eyes, or a deliberate refusal to engage with a topic signals to others that the line has been crossed. This silence is itself a powerful form of communication.

• Denial and Minimization: “It’s nothing” (kuch nahi hai) is a common refrain for everything from a minor inconvenience to a major crisis. Problems are downplayed to avoid addressing them directly.

• Humor and Deflection: Making a joke about a serious issue is a common way to acknowledge its existence without ever having to discuss it seriously.

The “Why”: The Reasons Behind the Silence

This cultural practice is not arbitrary; it stems from deep-seated foundations:

1. The Primacy of Izzat (Honor): The collective honor of the family, tribe, or community is the highest social currency. Any admission of problems—a daughter’s divorce, a son’s failure, a mental health crisis—is seen as a stain on this honor. Silence becomes a shield to protect it.

2. Social Cohesion (Mel-Jol): Avoiding conflict is prized to maintain surface-level harmony (mel-jol) within extended families and social circles. Confrontation is seen as destructive and divisive.

3. Religious and Cultural Modesty (Haya): The concept of haya (modesty, bashfulness) extends beyond dress to speech. Talking about private matters is seen as immodest and lacking in decorum.

4. Political and Social Survival: In a country with a history of political volatility and powerful, unaccountable institutions, silence can be a literal survival strategy. Knowing what not to say, and to whom, is a critical skill.

5. A Lack of Safe Spaces: When society offers little room for vulnerable conversation without judgment, people internalize their struggles. Silence becomes the default because there is no perceived benefit to speaking up—only risk.

The Consequences: The Double-Edged Sword

This art form has profound effects:

• The Negative: It perpetuates stigma, isolates individuals suffering in silence, prevents societal problems from being addressed, and fosters a culture of hypocrisy where reality is buried under a pleasant facade. It can be incredibly damaging to mental health and individual well-being.

• The “Positive” (Social Function): Conversely, it also serves as a social lubricant. It allows people with vastly different views to coexist peacefully. It prevents daily life from becoming a series of exhausting confrontations and protects individual privacy in a densely interconnected social fabric.

The Changing Tide

While the “art” is still dominant, it is being challenged. The rise of:

• Social Media: Providing anonymous platforms for discussion.

• A More Vocal Youth: Younger generations, exposed to global ideas, are increasingly questioning these taboos.

• Brave Public Figures: Celebrities and influencers who speak openly about their mental health or personal struggles are slowly helping to normalize these conversations.

Conclusion:

The “art of not talking about it” is a defining feature of the Pakistani social contract. It is a complex adaptive behavior born from a mix of cultural pride, social pressure, and realpolitik. To understand Pakistan is to understand this dance of silence—to hear the deafening volume of what is deliberately left unsaid and to appreciate the intricate, often painful, skills its people employ to navigate a world where speaking the full truth can come at a cost.