Shaheer Ahmed
What, according to me, is ADHD?
ADHD is a neurological disorder, but is it really a disorder?
Since you have landed on this webpage, you must be curious about ADHD and you really want to know what is ADHD disorder! Let me take you on my journey with ADHD.
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Neither am I a psychologist nor a medical expert. But I have ADHD. In this piece, I am only going to write about my brain and its functionality.
Though I know little about my brain myself, nevertheless, I will write. If this excites you, keep reading. If it doesn’t, you should still read to know a little about my hyperlinking thinking process.
What is ADHD Disorder?
Is ADHD really a disorder? ADHD – is neither a problem nor a disease, at least not to me. I will tell you a little about the things I hear or face almost every day because of my attention-deficit-hyperactive-brain.
Daily routine and easy tasks
Things I hear:
“How can you not remember this?”
“Oh, you have a bad memory. But you do remember your name. LOLz”
Okay–Let me explain this to you. I do remember to drink coffee every morning, but I can forget the simplest of things in my daily routine. I do remember who I am, but my brain likes to see me getting embarrassed by forgetting strange things. Right before writing this, I had to upload a video on my company’s website. There is a simple button that says upload media. It took me straight three minutes to find that button on a clean white web page. And yes, this is not the first time I am doing this. Sounds baffling? Not to me. This is how I operate.
During the most important of conversations, I will forget what I have to say. Sometimes (ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?) I will forget to wear the most important layer of my clothes. I remember asking my father to get me a recorder when I was in grade 6th so that I could record everything. Also, growing up, I practiced different methods of memorizing people’s names, faces, and the basic things I had to do. And it helped me to some extent. But even now, there are days when I can’t find the shut-down button on my phone and other devices.
All the books I read and movies I watch
Things I hear:
“Stop lying. How come you do not remember who died in the movie, if you’ve watched the whole movie?”
“Is there anything you know?”
“Only if you’ve worked harder, you would have known this!”
They say you are all are the books you read. I was in 7th grade when I used to hide myself in a school library and read Kahlil Gibran and Bernard Shaw. But I am anything but what I have read (too many buts, I am sorry for my words, just like my thoughts are scattered all over the place). All the information (I have read and watched) must be somewhere inside my brain, but it is not organized and can’t be accessed by a simple CTRL+F action.
There are dispersed thoughts about Ashfaq Ahmed Sahab’s words and Allama Iqbal’s poetry inside my brain, but do I remember anything substantial? NO, I don’t. I have read Tuesdays with Morrie twice and watched the movie once. Ask me anything about the book and an 85% chance is that I will quote Jon Snow. I remember crying because Red died in The Shawshank Redemption. Oh wait, was it Red? But don’t worry, I don’t forget everything; I do remember that I am head over heels in love with Jake Gyllenhaal. Yeah, I don’t remember his latest Netflix movie’s name though which I watched last month.
I, Me, and My Self-Control
What I hear:
“Please, can you think before you speak?”
“When will you grow up?”
“You have no future!!”
My complete lack of self-control defines me. I have no self-control over what I say and do. I keep reminding myself NOT to do this, NOT to do that, NOT to say this, NOT to say that. The other day at my office, I wanted to hug a random guy I am not even good friends with because I felt he did something awesome. My understanding of doing things is simple–I do it because I want to do it. Nike probably snatched the slogan of my life. I once danced on Stereo Hearts in the middle of the road. Um, well, let’s not blame it all on ADHD. I did that because of my immense admiration for Adam Levine.
Am I different?
What they say:
“Why do you act like this?”
“Can you be like everyone else?”
“Are you for real?”
“You are so different.”
“Learn to act like others.”
If I had a dollar for every time, someone called me different, I’d be a billionaire by now. People tell me every day I don’t fit the mold. Being different is cool and I don’t really count it as a downside to ADHD. To be honest, there are days when I want to wake up and not be the hyperactive person I am, but there is no reason for me not to love myself for who I am. Am I actually different? I don’t know, all I am is me!
If people think I might be from another planet, then let it be. Maybe I am an alien. If being me is being different, I am okay with that. Well, most of the time I am. Then someone drops a bomb on me and my heart gets shattered and I want to be a new me. A mature, wise me! But other than those cloudy days, I am my own sunshine and am completely okay with being me.
The infamous train joke
What they say:
“Were you born on a train? Haha!”
“Can’t you stay still?”
“Stop moving,”
“She doesn’t have legs, she has tires.”
“Were you born on a train?” was the most common joke I heard growing up. Initially, I didn’t know how to respond to this. I remember going back home and telling my mama that I’d do anything she will ask me to do, but please don’t send me to school. Then the world and the people in the world grew up, but unfortunately, I didn’t, at least not the way I thought I would. A part of me still only wants to stay inside my safe place, my home. But then wait, who will do the party?
Is ADHD my anti-lullaby?
What they say:
“Why do you throw so tantrums, just sleep.”
“We just whispered, how can you wake up?”
Sleeping alone is not an easy feat for me. But sleeping with people is a problem too. A slight movement, any sound, or the dim light bleeding through the bottom of the door would not let me sleep. Complete silence and a darkroom are what I need. My sleep patterns are really bad and I literally dream of a deep night’s sleep that makes me feel refreshed upon waking up!
I want to keep writing…
I want to write about many other things; But it’s late, I am tired and I really want to go, take a shower and sleep. Is ADHD a problem for me? No! Because this is my normal. I don’t know how the linear brain works. It was, still is, and probably will always be a difficult task for me to stay focused.
Last week, I couldn’t remember how to forward a WhatsApp message. I kept tapping everywhere on my iPhone’s screen until someone asked me if I needed help? While writing this piece, I stumbled twice to think do we use have or have with plural? But all of this is normal for me! I do remember most of the things in and about my life. It’s just that I don’t remember a few things. Call me a little forgetful, maybe.
Mistakes and I (Still not sleeping)
People learn from their mistakes. And I only plan to learn from them. My life, at times, seems like a mistake on a loop, but I’d still like to live in the very moment I have. ‘Now’ is everything for me. I tend to ask questions from others that people my age stopped asking a decade ago.
Does ADHD help me?
Yes! Amidst all of that, ADHD helps me become a better person every day. People and their brains work differently, so it is mandatory for all of us to be kind to everyone around us. Okay, sometimes you can’t be kind. But you can try all the time.
Ending Note – Promise, this is going to be the last paragraph!
I have little self-awareness; I can not guess what I am going to do or say in a certain situation. Mostly I can read people around me, if they are low, happy, angry, etc. But understanding the ‘whats’, ‘whys, ” and ‘hows’ of my inner self is challenging for me. I have no sense of direction and mostly no sense of time, either.
My brain is overloading with thoughts I have, and things I have read, but this huge amount of information doesn’t really help me as I can’t get hold of a single document from the RAM of my brain when required. I am overwhelmed most of the time, act without thinking and my brain is in constant conversation with 3 different versions of myself. ADHD is not a problem or a disorder, I think. It’s just that my brain has its own set of rules. Period!
Okay, I need to stop writing now.
But before I go, let me ask the question again – is ADHD a disorder? I think No!
Now I need to go. Bye!
